Life is messy again, and what I mean by this is the house is a wreck. Wrecked by me and the boys. I was so desperate, I looked up Flylady today. I worked on the front porch for fifteen minutes-
So now that looks OK again, 100 square feet down, 1200 to go! Not counting the back yard. How do people ever live and keep things up and work and raise a family? It is not like I am asking for much. Just some semblance of cleanliness and relaxation. I think I am kind of a slacker but I can't seem to help it too much. It is like this: I am almost 40 and this is pretty much me.
I really don't mind housework, and I fear people coming over. I think I work on it all of the time but I guess I really just blob out a lot and drink coffee and look at the computer. It is time to put a little more effort into things. It is just so hard to start! I can see my world opening up when this stuff is under control. Trying to remember if there ever was a time when everything was how I wanted it, and there really never has. I wonder if I put a 40-hour workweek into putting things into order how it could look.
Something I really want to do is either go to the dump, or create an awesome dump pile. I also need to mow the grass, but I HATE mowing. that bag gets full in like 5 minutes, and am such a mess when I am done. It just sucks! I want to deep clean but I feel so paralyzed by these aggressive trashers (little boys) in my house. They are SO destructive, and at the end of the day I feel powerless to restrain them, I really do. They just drain me! Oh well, they are cute, they are mine and I did invite them after all!! And yes, they are awesome. Just too much sometimes.
I am so stuck in this cycle of boredom, chores and frustration and not enough retail therapy. Shopping is NO fun because I ALWAYS feel as though I am stealing from other things. I need to change all of that!! I keep telling myself that once I get the house straightened up then my head wil be in the right place to put my business in the proper perspective. I say, get that office shaped up now! I think my desk needs a wall. Calling my Feng Shui friend about that.
It has been a long couple of months, and I have no idea how I am doing. I just go through life and let it happen sometimes. It is just the way I think I am made. I am asleep in a way and I know it. I just have to make that OK and still do what is right. I have to identify what it is I am doing, be aware of it, see if that is an OK thing and then make the necessary adjustments. It scares the shit out of me that I have already lived half my life and I don't even realize it. I am probably extra tired right now which doesn't help, but I would really like a breakthrough, but I am starting to get the feeling that I am not capable of it. Not capable of acheiving a clean house, a relaxed and enjoyable life, an organized and humming business and productive, secure children. I am being brutally honest with myself here. My husband is so supportive of me but I feel pressured by having to answer to anybody at all! That is not right of me because I know that he delivers on all kinds of expectations of mine and he is super cool with who I am, I just sometimes feel bugged by everybody! But as soon as I am left alone I am desperately lonely. It is like things are never right, and I am bored but I can't imagine being anything but.