Resourcefulness

Today I actually have some energy. I do not know if I will finish the painting that I started earlier this week, but I should be able to complete a few rooms and feel 'together'. I need to restart my creative life like I was talking about. There is a fly in here that is driving me CRAZY. Like insane. It is landing in my hair,my foot, taunting me and evading my swats. I am going to go absolutely cookoo on him in a sec here. Can't take it. I will be focusing on laundry and tidying today, and finish up the kitchen- why is the housework always chasing me? I had called Merry Maids last week to request and estimate, and my appointment was yesterday, but I called them 2 hours before and cancelled. I let them know that I have 'control issues', and cannot let someone else come do it for me. Yard work I can justify- but housework? No way. My house is too small, I think I have no excuse there.

The Depths of Crapville

I have now officially arrived at the bottom of the barrel housekeeping-wise. I now know myself well enough that there is no way this is all going to get done and that I am going to be cramming until the last second for the house to be presentable. Because the cupboards have to be in order, the upstairs floor has to be mopped and the backyard has to be spotless! The things that nobody sees but me. The house HAS to look beautiful for Tuesday, yard, smells, children, food, EVERYTHING! I also have to be skinny and well groomed. With an agenda so expertly planned, you would think that I had spent the last five days on it, not the house. I just figure that I run out of housekeeping energy at about 3:00 most days and then after everyone's asleep then I can just catch up on the office work and the meeting stuff. Crazy, I am so tired then! Last night I was actually asleep at 10:00. Hopefully, I got repaired by the sleep. I am one cranky mommy, and I don't like being that way. How can I manifest beauty and inspiration when I haven't had a shower in 3 days and I have 3/4 inch roots and there isn't a single clean glass or towel? Not to mention the KITCHEN FLOOR (dum-dum-dum).

Yucky Blucky House

Hey there,

Life is messy again, and what I mean by this is the house is a wreck. Wrecked by me and the boys. I was so desperate, I looked up Flylady today. I worked on the front porch for fifteen minutes-

So now that looks OK again, 100 square feet down, 1200 to go! Not counting the back yard. How do people ever live and keep things up and work and raise a family? It is not like I am asking for much. Just some semblance of cleanliness and relaxation. I think I am kind of a slacker but I can't seem to help it too much. It is like this: I am almost 40 and this is pretty much me.

I really don't mind housework, and I fear people coming over. I think I work on it all of the time but I guess I really just blob out a lot and drink coffee and look at the computer. It is time to put a little more effort into things. It is just so hard to start! I can see my world opening up when this stuff is under control. Trying to remember if there ever was a time when everything was how I wanted it, and there really never has. I wonder if I put a 40-hour workweek into putting things into order how it could look.

Something I really want to do is either go to the dump, or create an awesome dump pile. I also need to mow the grass, but I HATE mowing. that bag gets full in like 5 minutes, and am such a mess when I am done. It just sucks! I want to deep clean but I feel so paralyzed by these aggressive trashers (little boys) in my house. They are SO destructive, and at the end of the day I feel powerless to restrain them, I really do. They just drain me! Oh well, they are cute, they are mine and I did invite them after all!! And yes, they are awesome. Just too much sometimes.

I am so stuck in this cycle of boredom, chores and frustration and not enough retail therapy. Shopping is NO fun because I ALWAYS feel as though I am stealing from other things. I need to change all of that!! I keep telling myself that once I get the house straightened up then my head wil be in the right place to put my business in the proper perspective. I say, get that office shaped up now! I think my desk needs a wall. Calling my Feng Shui friend about that.

It has been a long couple of months, and I have no idea how I am doing. I just go through life and let it happen sometimes. It is just the way I think I am made. I am asleep in a way and I know it. I just have to make that OK and still do what is right. I have to identify what it is I am doing, be aware of it, see if that is an OK thing and then make the necessary adjustments. It scares the shit out of me that I have already lived half my life and I don't even realize it. I am probably extra tired right now which doesn't help, but I would really like a breakthrough, but I am starting to get the feeling that I am not capable of it. Not capable of acheiving a clean house, a relaxed and enjoyable life, an organized and humming business and productive, secure children. I am being brutally honest with myself here. My husband is so supportive of me but I feel pressured by having to answer to anybody at all! That is not right of me because I know that he delivers on all kinds of expectations of mine and he is super cool with who I am, I just sometimes feel bugged by everybody! But as soon as I am left alone I am desperately lonely. It is like things are never right, and I am bored but I can't imagine being anything but.