All It Takes Is Time

Hey Everybody,

I am actually working in the semi-uncluttered office, and stuff is leaving every day! Also, things are picked up on the main floor and the rest is definitely tackle-able. Wow, I am feeling great.

A big plus that got my blood pumping today is Rob's and my tenth wedding anniversary!! Thank you, sweetheart, for always being there and supporting me in everything that I do. We have had a wonderful 12 years together, and now we are enjoying our boys so much as well. Thanks for the Dyson, too, it really rounds out my life in the creature comfort department. I had fun fiddling with it today, I love it!

In general, I am feeling great about life. My Year End reflections include feeding my family and self more fresh healthy fruits and vegetables, getting more sleep and being less hard on myself. Remembering that others have their own worries, too, I am not the only one- so I should just get out there and forget myself more! Remember that I can be of help and be in more of a readiness mode.

The Illusion of Progress

Oh my! It looks as though I will be getting super happy today, only to get super ultra crushed by my inability to keep things up. I am cleaning the office. I have come to terms with the fact that the tininess of the room is not going to support the power positioned desk and the sheer amount of crap that I own. That means the crafts have to go away from here, is will be strictly business in here, Mom's business business and personal business. Then there is Daddy, relegated to his teeny tiny corner closet. Actually, he really likes it. He has made his custom built-ins, filled it perfectly with his stuff (it fits an amazing amount), and I think it is a nice man cave for him.

It is such a cleansing experience to put away files and throw away paper I don't need anymore! I am also trying out the idea of only keeping out things I want for decoration and nothing else. I am actually quite optimistic this time, even though my past should make me more cautious. I seem to be always in the middle of a reorganization project. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I would just love to be feeling carefree about the office and our clutter in general! I just can't get stuff out of storage like I do. Plus, I am not certain that everything that I own has a specific home. I need to work diligently to ensure that everything does! Oh, I wonder how long all of this will take? I have been at it for about 3 hours now, with no end in sight. As much as I would like to be creative,I just want to go with the flow and having a clean and organized space will make everything better!

But then, there is the rest of the house to think about. Yikes.

Picking Up the Pieces

Have I ever mentioned our house is TINY? I was thrilled to downsize a little over two years ago. Going down two flights to change the laundry was an enery drainer and now it is in the kitchen, which my husband despises and I love. It seems very European and functional. I found that 2400 square feet on three floors was a lot of space for toys and junk to be spread around. Now I find that toys and junk spread across 1100 square feet is difficult at times, and I honestly do not know how many toys got out in the main living area but it is just crazymaking. I am so not made for 3 loud little boys sometimes. They are cute and fascinating and just like me and all, but, gawd, get them out of my environment sometimes! I am inundated at all times with noise, mess, and pilfering of office supplies. They are all so industrious and busy and really love the art and will use anything to make it. Time to go throw a bunch of stuff on the table for them to go to town with so that I can knit, cook, surf the Internet and watch Project Runway reruns all at once. All the while netting $4000.00 a month at my home based part time job. At least I seem to be doing a good job at that right now, I should be poised to make a good 3K for December(4K a month was my goal a year and a half ago, I figured it would take about 2 years, I am on track). The only thing I changed was to watch my bank account carefully so I don't get my expenses screwed up (but I will eventually, probably...keep being careful! Don't buy yarn!), and also doing all of my follow up. Pretty much tackling the list every day. I also needed to include cleaning up on that list. I got Nicky some new shoes today, one is a pair of pirate slip ons you can see them in the corner of the second pic. He had his holiday portrait today!

I could do a little more photo styling for you, but I think that evoking sympathy rather than envy is more what I am going for in my blog. The envy I gan get later for 'when I finally get it all together'. I so want to be a tidy and perfect gay man. I decided I was indeed a fan of Victoria Beckham when she was quoted as saying, "I am so camp. I am such a gay man trying to get out." I didn't know any woman thought that way. Does anyone else envy tidy, fit, fashionable, talented gay men? I sure do, sometimes their lives seem simple and fun. We all know it is not good to envy, but isn't it great to admire?

Adventures in Organization

Hi there.

I am going to be able to get a lot done today. I was asleep by 9:45 last night, and I kept waking up, looking at the clock, asking,"Is is morning yet?", and then I was surprised each time by how early it actually was. I was like,"No way can it be that early." Getting up kind of sucked, but now I feel pretty perky. Is this what normal people who get enough sleep feel like? Like they can be productive? Wow, I actually think I need to join the world and not the land of the cranky half-asleep folks. Like I can clean up, set goals, clean things and have a decent home, too. Silly me for thinking the world was messed up. It was actually me, sorry!

Hey, More Bitching! Fabulous!

Today was an irritating day. Actually, the whole weekend kind of sucked. I got the living room cleaned up, I avoided the office like crazy, and I progressed into a deeper fit of dissatisfaction and pissyness. I moved one couch and at least the living room is looking more ready for the meeting on Tuesday. I did scrub the kichen floor which was pressing for so long, I hate it so much. But I don't understand why I am like this. Am I really destined for my life to suck if I don't have medication or something? I feel like there is never going to be a balance and I am going to have to lie to myself about having a good attitude or whatever I want people to think of me. How am I going to be that successful and together person that I want people to see me as? I already know that I am horrible at so many things. My husband hates it when I am down on myself and tells me not to do that to myself, but I am really just trying to face myself, even if it doesn't sound nice. I really want to get better. I am afraid that I am destined to be unsuccessful and that it is out of my hands. I have problems!! I cannot manage this house, these kids and what I am trying to do! It is not supposed to be this hard! I am beside myself depressed. It will probably pass, but I don't know when all of this stuff is going to happen.

Yucky Blucky House

Hey there,

Life is messy again, and what I mean by this is the house is a wreck. Wrecked by me and the boys. I was so desperate, I looked up Flylady today. I worked on the front porch for fifteen minutes-

So now that looks OK again, 100 square feet down, 1200 to go! Not counting the back yard. How do people ever live and keep things up and work and raise a family? It is not like I am asking for much. Just some semblance of cleanliness and relaxation. I think I am kind of a slacker but I can't seem to help it too much. It is like this: I am almost 40 and this is pretty much me.

I really don't mind housework, and I fear people coming over. I think I work on it all of the time but I guess I really just blob out a lot and drink coffee and look at the computer. It is time to put a little more effort into things. It is just so hard to start! I can see my world opening up when this stuff is under control. Trying to remember if there ever was a time when everything was how I wanted it, and there really never has. I wonder if I put a 40-hour workweek into putting things into order how it could look.

Something I really want to do is either go to the dump, or create an awesome dump pile. I also need to mow the grass, but I HATE mowing. that bag gets full in like 5 minutes, and am such a mess when I am done. It just sucks! I want to deep clean but I feel so paralyzed by these aggressive trashers (little boys) in my house. They are SO destructive, and at the end of the day I feel powerless to restrain them, I really do. They just drain me! Oh well, they are cute, they are mine and I did invite them after all!! And yes, they are awesome. Just too much sometimes.

I am so stuck in this cycle of boredom, chores and frustration and not enough retail therapy. Shopping is NO fun because I ALWAYS feel as though I am stealing from other things. I need to change all of that!! I keep telling myself that once I get the house straightened up then my head wil be in the right place to put my business in the proper perspective. I say, get that office shaped up now! I think my desk needs a wall. Calling my Feng Shui friend about that.

It has been a long couple of months, and I have no idea how I am doing. I just go through life and let it happen sometimes. It is just the way I think I am made. I am asleep in a way and I know it. I just have to make that OK and still do what is right. I have to identify what it is I am doing, be aware of it, see if that is an OK thing and then make the necessary adjustments. It scares the shit out of me that I have already lived half my life and I don't even realize it. I am probably extra tired right now which doesn't help, but I would really like a breakthrough, but I am starting to get the feeling that I am not capable of it. Not capable of acheiving a clean house, a relaxed and enjoyable life, an organized and humming business and productive, secure children. I am being brutally honest with myself here. My husband is so supportive of me but I feel pressured by having to answer to anybody at all! That is not right of me because I know that he delivers on all kinds of expectations of mine and he is super cool with who I am, I just sometimes feel bugged by everybody! But as soon as I am left alone I am desperately lonely. It is like things are never right, and I am bored but I can't imagine being anything but.