About Me

My photo
Wife and mother who has occasional fits of creativity!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Fun

We are ready for a fun and low-key Halloween this year. No visitors except the candy seeking kind, maybe just a little trick-or-treating and passing out the candy, an early warm dinner, and some knitting for mommy! I do have a little work to do on the phone, but I think I can get that done early this evening or tomorrow.

We are in search this afternoon for a green t-shirt for Nicky's Peter Pan outfit and a full costume that Thomas finds acceptable. I really do have a little bit of work to do before I can relax- but I need to. I just want to watch movies and knit and snack!

Rob is home now and I had a fantastic weekend in Portland/Vancouver! I am just glad there were no expensive mistakes. My favorite times were watching Bailey at her soccer final and my plane ride home after having a nice brew and reading Vanity Fair, such a simple pleasure. the garlic fries were great, too. I think I am going to live now that Rob is home, it was really hard this time having him gone for some reason, I feel not only safer but more complete. I forgot how that is such a reality when he is here.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Adventures in Organization

Hi there.

I am going to be able to get a lot done today. I was asleep by 9:45 last night, and I kept waking up, looking at the clock, asking,"Is is morning yet?", and then I was surprised each time by how early it actually was. I was like,"No way can it be that early." Getting up kind of sucked, but now I feel pretty perky. Is this what normal people who get enough sleep feel like? Like they can be productive? Wow, I actually think I need to join the world and not the land of the cranky half-asleep folks. Like I can clean up, set goals, clean things and have a decent home, too. Silly me for thinking the world was messed up. It was actually me, sorry!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Okay, Better

This helps. It's Sizzle, by Wendy at Knit and Tonic. I am making it out of some stash yarn I got on clearance at my LYS last year. It is GGH Solitaire, and I have made some arm warmers out of it this yarn before (in a light kiwi color), so I am familiar with the yarn. It has some lycra in it so I am making it a size smaller so I can wear it fitted. We will see!
I am feeling a little more focused since I actually spent some time in the office. I have labeled my walls with post-its indicating which sides and corners do what Feng Shui-wise! I think I can make an impact right away, especially if I get right to it! I am watching a Property Ladder marathon, which seems to fit the bill television therapy wise, especially since Rock of Love is over with!! I just keep watching the message boards. My other current fave is Life of Ryan, I seem to be relating to the parents as well as the kids. I am even fantasizing about the parents working things out because I feel sorry for the kids. It does look as though they are moving on with their lives. I guess housewives need a little soap opera in their day even if they are working.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Hey, More Bitching! Fabulous!

Today was an irritating day. Actually, the whole weekend kind of sucked. I got the living room cleaned up, I avoided the office like crazy, and I progressed into a deeper fit of dissatisfaction and pissyness. I moved one couch and at least the living room is looking more ready for the meeting on Tuesday. I did scrub the kichen floor which was pressing for so long, I hate it so much. But I don't understand why I am like this. Am I really destined for my life to suck if I don't have medication or something? I feel like there is never going to be a balance and I am going to have to lie to myself about having a good attitude or whatever I want people to think of me. How am I going to be that successful and together person that I want people to see me as? I already know that I am horrible at so many things. My husband hates it when I am down on myself and tells me not to do that to myself, but I am really just trying to face myself, even if it doesn't sound nice. I really want to get better. I am afraid that I am destined to be unsuccessful and that it is out of my hands. I have problems!! I cannot manage this house, these kids and what I am trying to do! It is not supposed to be this hard! I am beside myself depressed. It will probably pass, but I don't know when all of this stuff is going to happen.

Friday, October 5, 2007

The Depths of Crapville

I have now officially arrived at the bottom of the barrel housekeeping-wise. I now know myself well enough that there is no way this is all going to get done and that I am going to be cramming until the last second for the house to be presentable. Because the cupboards have to be in order, the upstairs floor has to be mopped and the backyard has to be spotless! The things that nobody sees but me. The house HAS to look beautiful for Tuesday, yard, smells, children, food, EVERYTHING! I also have to be skinny and well groomed. With an agenda so expertly planned, you would think that I had spent the last five days on it, not the house. I just figure that I run out of housekeeping energy at about 3:00 most days and then after everyone's asleep then I can just catch up on the office work and the meeting stuff. Crazy, I am so tired then! Last night I was actually asleep at 10:00. Hopefully, I got repaired by the sleep. I am one cranky mommy, and I don't like being that way. How can I manifest beauty and inspiration when I haven't had a shower in 3 days and I have 3/4 inch roots and there isn't a single clean glass or towel? Not to mention the KITCHEN FLOOR (dum-dum-dum).

Thursday, October 4, 2007

New Day, Same Mess

I must have some kind of a mental block when it comes to cleaning that I cannot break through.

I need to do that self talk thing where you say, "I can make choices that change my outcome". But really, this is kind of where I am at right now, and I have my head down shoveling and whenever an obstacle comes up, I freeze. It doesn't matter if the obstacle is a kid trashing or dropping brown sugar all over the floor or some email stating some kind of problem that is my problem all of a sudden (which it may or may not be). I have another meeting on Tuesday. time to call in the reinforcements. I cannot stand it. I need things done. Maybe I just need to get a sitter for a few hours while I do it. I am going to try and spend at least one hour in each room detailing it before then; then I would feel great. I am not too worried that sheer panic and embarassment will carry me through but I am also not happy abou thow it all ran last month with the heckling,the goofing and the breaking up of my meeting, I need to make it all more official and structured, and insert a lot more fun and informative. I need to find out what we are doing! I was inspired by reading that I affect my environment vibrationally and have the ability to transform things by the way I choose to move through the world. Now I just need about another 10 hours in the day.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Yucky Blucky House

Hey there,

Life is messy again, and what I mean by this is the house is a wreck. Wrecked by me and the boys. I was so desperate, I looked up Flylady today. I worked on the front porch for fifteen minutes-
So now that looks OK again, 100 square feet down, 1200 to go! Not counting the back yard. How do people ever live and keep things up and work and raise a family? It is not like I am asking for much. Just some semblance of cleanliness and relaxation. I think I am kind of a slacker but I can't seem to help it too much. It is like this: I am almost 40 and this is pretty much me.
I really don't mind housework, and I fear people coming over. I think I work on it all of the time but I guess I really just blob out a lot and drink coffee and look at the computer. It is time to put a little more effort into things. It is just so hard to start! I can see my world opening up when this stuff is under control. Trying to remember if there ever was a time when everything was how I wanted it, and there really never has. I wonder if I put a 40-hour workweek into putting things into order how it could look.
Something I really want to do is either go to the dump, or create an awesome dump pile. I also need to mow the grass, but I HATE mowing. that bag gets full in like 5 minutes, and am such a mess when I am done. It just sucks! I want to deep clean but I feel so paralyzed by these aggressive trashers (little boys) in my house. They are SO destructive, and at the end of the day I feel powerless to restrain them, I really do. They just drain me! Oh well, they are cute, they are mine and I did invite them after all!! And yes, they are awesome. Just too much sometimes.
I am so stuck in this cycle of boredom, chores and frustration and not enough retail therapy. Shopping is NO fun because I ALWAYS feel as though I am stealing from other things. I need to change all of that!! I keep telling myself that once I get the house straightened up then my head wil be in the right place to put my business in the proper perspective. I say, get that office shaped up now! I think my desk needs a wall. Calling my Feng Shui friend about that.
It has been a long couple of months, and I have no idea how I am doing. I just go through life and let it happen sometimes. It is just the way I think I am made. I am asleep in a way and I know it. I just have to make that OK and still do what is right. I have to identify what it is I am doing, be aware of it, see if that is an OK thing and then make the necessary adjustments. It scares the shit out of me that I have already lived half my life and I don't even realize it. I am probably extra tired right now which doesn't help, but I would really like a breakthrough, but I am starting to get the feeling that I am not capable of it. Not capable of acheiving a clean house, a relaxed and enjoyable life, an organized and humming business and productive, secure children. I am being brutally honest with myself here. My husband is so supportive of me but I feel pressured by having to answer to anybody at all! That is not right of me because I know that he delivers on all kinds of expectations of mine and he is super cool with who I am, I just sometimes feel bugged by everybody! But as soon as I am left alone I am desperately lonely. It is like things are never right, and I am bored but I can't imagine being anything but.